Jennifer Goodman Linn You Fearless

The Highs and the Lows of Remission

I have been meaning to catch up on my journal for a long time. The truth is that the last 4-6 weeks have been filled with lots of highs and lows. The highs were that I got to see two of my very good friends get married. Dave and I travelled to Uitca, NY for our anniversary weekend (5 years already!) to see Vicky and Joey get married. The next weekend, we flew to Gorgeous Aspen, Colorado to see Karen and Ian get married. Both weddings were so special and we had such a good time. The highlight of the Aspen weekend is that my friend Jen and I went on a really tough uphill hike that I never thought I could have done. It was straight uphill and my weakened lung capacity from the chemo with the change in elevation made it really challenging. But I did it and felt really great when I was done! The lows have been that it has been a bit hard to readjust to the new "normal." On the whole, I am doing well although the fact that I still feel so much weaker than I did prior to my treatments really frustrates me.
I have been experiencing a few days where I am very sad and just want to be alone. I have other days when I am just very tired and sleep a lot. The doctors at MSKCC tell me that this is completely natural and that often "there is so much focus on the body that the head is the last thing to really recover".
So, I find myself wanting to be by myself a lot. I am often completely happy staying in on the weekends rather than going out and being very social. Sometimes I think it is because I don't want the pressure of having to be "on" when I am going through so much internally. I know that when I am alone, I don't have to explain myself to anyone.
I am slowly but surely trying to get "out there" a bit more. I really enjoy my time at the gym exercising although my workouts are not as good as they used to be.
I am often my own worst enemy. I put so much pressure on myself to "feel better" or to "get back to fighting form". I really have to remember to listen to my body and that time will heal all wounds.