And That’s Why I Didn’t Take off my Wig
I have written about hair many times on my blog. Losing your hair and then having it grow back just to lose it again can be very devastating. A friend of mine used to work with a hair care company and she told me that research showed that in over 90% of women, there is a very strong correlation between “personal hair satisfaction” and “self-confidence.” I am not surprised at all.
I wrote a long, very emotional journal entry on 8/30/09 that talked about how I don’t like people to inquire about the status of my hair growth when I am off treatment. While I encourage you to read the entry in its entirety, the summary is that I think it makes other people (not me) feel better to see that my hair is growing back. To them, it’s a sign that maybe I am no longer sick. It gives them an opportunity to “breathe” again and believe that this disease is fully and completely behind me (thank you, I appreciate your wanting this end result as much as I do!)
However, the reality though is that my hair growth is merely a physical representation of the fact that I haven’t had chemo in a few months. In no way does it mean that my odds of the cancer coming back have changed nor that I am in the clear health-wise.
So, I made the decision a long time ago that I would not take my wig off until I had beaten my last cancer-free record of 13 months. Call it a defense mechanism, but I wanted to avoid the devastation that I would experience if I took off the wig just to relapse again.
Despite objections from friends and family, I patiently waited in these past month until I could hit June which would have been 13 months. Well, unfortunately I only made it about 9 months until the cancer returned. However, the chemo I was first put on doesn’t make your hair fall out! I was so excited! Maybe this was the best of both worlds. I could still actively take care of my health AND have my hair grow back!
But it was not to be. When we switched to a different treatment last month, the drugs were strong and I was told my hair would fall out about day 16-18 into the treatment. I had made it about 11 months but I would not pass my goal.
Of course, when you realize you are about to lose your hair again, you start to realize that you like it. These past few weeks I started to wear my wig less often at home and I started to “style” my hair in the mirror, commenting, “It’s not for me but it’s kind of cute!”
So, how does a 5-time cancer survivor console herself? Some women buy shoes, I have learned to buy wigs! My stylist Edward and I decided to shake it up a bit this time and I am going auburn! I picked it up yesterday and I love it! With wigs this great, who needs real hair?!?
And that’s why I didn’t take off my wig!