Not as Good as We Hoped For, Not as Bad as we Feared
This has been a very long week. I am physically and mentally drained from all of the Dr’s appointments and the chemotherapy. The good news is that my white counts were up and I was able to get treatment on Tuesday. The frustrating news is that the latest CT scan revealed that the chemo is not working as well as the Dr’s had hoped.
I met with my oncologist on Tuesday and I was switched to a new regimen (my 7th!). I met with my surgeon on Thursday who agreed with the plan and confirmed that he could perform surgery shortly if the chemo doesn’t work. Since surgery is really a short-term solution, we are all hoping to find some sort of chemo cocktail that will work at some point.
There are also new trials being developed all the time (many developed from Cycle for Survival funding)! I am hoping that one day in the future there might be a trial that I could be placed on. How amazing it would be if my life were prolonged from research that developed out of Cycle for Survival!
It is extremely gratifying that I, and so many others, might find more hope in these new cocktails that the Dr’s are creating.
For now, I just need to get through the next 4-6 weeks until I have my next CT scan post Labor Day (on September 7th – our anniversary of all days!)
There were a few hours on Tuesday that I knew the results of the CT scan were not as positive as we had hoped for. I was expecting to go right into chemotherapy and my nurse didn’t order the drugs saying that my Dr. wanted to review the results with me first.
As many of you know, I have pledged to live a fearless life. In fact, I am in the process of launching an inspirational speaking and marketing consulting business that is called YOU Fearless…all based on the premise that when we remove fear from the equation, we can achieve what we never thought was possible.
However, more as an experiment than anything else, I allowed myself during those few hours of uncertainty to go where I never go… to the dark place of fear and helplessness. I wanted what my mind would “come up” with during those moments…is fear of the unknown really as debilitating as I imagine? When you just “give up” and assume the worst case scenario, where does it take you?
My mind naturally started to think of sorrow, pain, and loss. “Will the tumors start to really hurt if they grow bigger?”, “Will the pain prevent me from doing things I love to do?”, “Will I become a burden to Dave and our families?” At what point will the doctors say the dreaded words, “There’s nothing more we can do?”
And I realized /confirmed a few fantastic things during this exercise:
1) Fear is a waste of time…my mind jumped to all of these conclusions that were future-oriented and not even grounded in reality. Not only were my thoughts not productive but they took me away from thoughts I could create that actually were productive. Who has time to waste on fear? Not me! I got a lot going on ☺
(2) The other thing I realized is that when you accept what could be, you are truly open to what is. The exercise made me explore the parameters of my situation and allowed me to more freely talk to my doctors about all of the options I might have.
Please hope that this new chemo works (it is kicking my butt so hopefully that means something!)
And please don't forget to vote for me and spread the word...only 2 weeks left! If you haven't yet seen this hysterical video that my Mom and Dad made nominating me for the Energizer Bunny Hall of Fame, check it out.