When my mom retired about 3 years ago, she created a list of things she would love to do while she is still on this earth…and she has slowly but surely conquered every single one! Very high on the list was to do some sort of performance. Little did she know when she joined up with the National Council of Jewish Women that the play she would be signing up for was The Vagina Monologues! Talk about an intimidating way to get your feet wet.

For those of you who are not familiar with the play, The Vagina Monologues is an award-winning episodic play written by Eve Ensler.  Ensler wrote the piece to "celebrate the vagina," and the play is a series of monologues with women speaking about various experiences with their vagina. Ensler sees the vagina as being a tool of empowerment through which women can achieve total femininity and individuality. She claims inspiration for the piece came from Tina Turner: "I love Tina Turner. She's a woman who fully inhabits her vagina” The purpose of the piece changed from a celebration of vaginas and femininity to a movement to stop violence against women.

My mother refused to tell anyone in my family what her role was in the play. She just said “show up and be ready!” That is exactly what we did on March 6^th and we loved every minute of it!

My mother’s monologue was entitled My Angry Vagina, a piece in which a woman humorously rants about injustices wrought against the vagina, such as tampons, douches and OB/GYN visits. She was the last monologue before the intermission and she brought the house down! Everyone around us was howling with laughter. I was so proud of my mom that I told EVERYONE around me “that’s my mom!”

It is TREMENDOUSLY inspiring to see someone succeed at something that they have never done before, especially when you know how much fear they had to overcome in order to be doing it in the first place. Even if she didn’t perform well, forgot her lines and ran off the stage crying, she would have been a star in my eyes. She made me think that if all of us got over our fears and “seized the day”, how much more we could accomplish and how much more good we could do in the world.

I loved every single minute of my mom’s theatrical debut. But the part I loved the most, and was most touched by, was my mom’s dedication in the Play Bill: “Sandy Goodman wishes to dedicate her acting debut to her feisty, courageous, beautiful daughter Jen Linn whom she so admire and deeply loves. Carpe Diem!”

I love you Mom and am so honored to learn from your example!

And now…what you’ve all been waiting for…my mom’s monologue!

The Angry Vagina

MY VAGINA'S ANGRY!

IT IS!

IT'S PISSED OFF!

MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS.

AND IT NEEDS TO TALK.

IT NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.
AND IT NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU

I MEAN, WHAT IS THE DEAL?

AN ARMY OF PEOPLE OUT THERE THINKING UP WAYS

TO TORTURE MY POOR-ASS, GENTLE, LOVING VAGINA.

SPENDING THEIR DAYS CONSTRUCTING PSYCHO PRODUCTS AND NASTY
IDEAS TO UNDERMINE MY PUSSY. VAGINA MOTHERFUCKERS!

ALL THIS SHIT THEY'RE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SHOVE UP US.

SHOVE UP US, STUFF US UP, AND MAKE US GO AWAY.

WELL, MY VAGINA'S NOT GOING AWAY

IT'S PISSED OFF AND IT'S STAYING RIGHT HERE.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOUR VAGINA'S EVER BEEN ANGRY AT? HMM.

EVER BEEN ANGRY AT?

YES, AGAIN IT ALL HAS TO DO WITH THE...

INVASIVENESS ASPECT,

WHEN IT'S NOT READY.

WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN, UM...

WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN NURTURED.

LET'S JUST BEGIN WITH TAMPONS.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON STUFFED UP THERE.

WHY CAN'T THEY FIND A WAY

TO SUBTLY LUBRICATE THE TAMPON?

AS SOON AS MY VAGINA SEES IT, IT GOES INTO SHOCK!

IT CLOSES UP.

IT SAYS, "FORGET IT."

YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH THE VAGINA, INTRODUCE IT TO THINGS

PREPARE THE WAY.

THAT'S WHAT FOREPLAY'S ALL ABOUT.

YOU'VE GOT TO CONVINCE MY VAGINA,

SEDUCE MY VAGINA,

ENGAGE MY VAGINA'S TRUST.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON!

STOP SHOVING THINGS UP ME!

STOP SHOVING AND STOP CLEANING IT UP.

MY VAGINA DOESN'T NEED TO BE CLEANED UP.
IT SMELLS GOOD ALREADY

DON'T TRY TO DECORATE.

DON'T BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE TELLS YOU

IT SMELLS LIKE ROSE PETALS,

WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PUSSY.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO CLEAN IT UP,

MAKE IT SMELL LIKE A BATHROOM SPRAY OR A GARDEN.

ALL THOSE DOUCHE SPRAYS.

FLORAL, BERRY, RAIN.

I DON'T WANT MY PUSSY TO SMELL LIKE RAIN!

THEN THERE'S THOSE EXAMS.

WHO THOUGHT UP THOSE EXAMS?

I KNOW THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY

WHY THE SCARY PAPER DRESS THAT SCRATCHES YOUR TITS?

WHY THE FUNKY RUBBER GLOVES?

WHY THE FLASHLIGHT ALL UP THERE,

LIKE NANCY DREW WORKING AGAINST GRAVITY?

WHY THE NAZI STEEL STIRRUPS?

WHY THE MEAN, COLD DUCK LIPS THEY SHOVE INSIDE YOU?

WHAT IS THAT?

MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS ABOUT THESE VISITS

IT GETS DEFENDED WEEKS IN ADVANCE,

IT WON'T GO OU T OF THE HOUSE.

THEN YOU GET THERE

DON'T YOU LOVE THAT?

"RELAX YOUR VAGINA. RELAX, COME ON, SCOOT DOWN, SCOOT DOWN,
RELAX YOUR VAGINA."

WHY?

MY VAGINA'S NOT STUPID.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHOVE MEAN, COLD DUCK LIPS UP INSIDE IT!

. IT'S JUST HORRIBLE

FIRST THING, THE ROOM IS ALWAYS VERY COLD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SITTING THERE,

SPREADING YOUR LEGS, IT'S JUST HORRIBLE

WHAT THEY CALL A SPECULUM, OR WHATEVER THAT THING IS?

I CAN'T STAND IT,

EVEN WHEN THAT LITTLE BRUSH THING FOR THE PAP
SMEAR GOES IN THERE,

IT MAKES ME CRINGE

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, DOES THIS HURT WHEN I
SQUEEZE HERE?”

WELL, YEAH.

YOU'RE SQUEEZING MY VAGINA, IT'S NOT A COMFORTABLE FEELING.

WHY CAN'T THEY FIND SOME NICE, DELICIOUS PURPLE VELVET

AND WRAP IT AROUND ME,

, LAY ME DOWN IN SOM E FEATHERY COTTON SPREAD

PUT ON SOME FRIENDLY PINK OR BLUE GLOVES,

AND REST MY FEET IN SOME FUR-COVERED STIRRUPS?

WARM UP THE DUCK LIPS!

WORK WITH MY VAGINA!

! BUT NO, MORE TORTURES

DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON,

, COLD DUCK LIPS

THONG UNDERWEAR!

. THAT SHIT IS THE WORST

IT IS THE WORST.

IT MOVES AROUN D ALL THE TIME.

IT GETS STUCK IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAGINA,

REAL CRUSTY BUTT.

THE VAGINA IS SUPPOSED TO BE LOOSE AND WIDE,

NOT HELD TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHY GIRDLES ARE SO BAD.

E WE NEED TO MOV

AND SPREAD AND TALK.

VAGINAS NEED TO TALK.

WHY DON'T THEY MAKE SOMETHING COMFORTABLE,

SOMETHING TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE. OF COURSE THEY WON'T DO THAT

THEY HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE

TO SEE A WOMAN HAVING PLEASURE.

PARTICULARLY SEXUAL PLEASURE.

I SAY, MAKE A NICE PAIR OF WHITE COTTON UNDERPANTS

WITH A FRENCH TICKLER BUILT IN.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

WOMEN WOULD BE COMING ALL DAY.

COMING IN THE SUPERMARKETS.

"GIVE ME THE JUICE."

THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAND IT.

SEEING ALL THESE ENERGIZED, NOT-TAKING-SHIT,

HOT, HAPPY VAGINAS COMING DOWN THE STREET.

IF MY VAGINA COULD TALK...

IT WOULD TALK ABOU T ITSELF LIKE ME.

IT WOULD TALK ABOU T OTHER FABULOUS VAGINAS

IT WOULD DO VAGINA IMPRESSIONS.

IT WOULD WEAR HARRY WINSTON DIAMONDS,

NO CLOTHING.

JUST THERE, ALL DRAPED IN THE DIAMONDS.

MY VAGINA HELPED RELEASE A GIANT BABY.

IT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DOING MORE OF THAT. IT'S NOT.

NOW IT WANTS TO TRAVEL.

IT DOES NOT WANT A LOT OF COMPANY.

IT WANTS TO READ AND KNOW THINGS AND GET OUT MORE.

IT WANTS SEX.

IT LOVES SEX.

IT WANTS TO GO DEEPER.

IT'S HUNGRY FOR DEPTH.

IT WANTS KINDNESS.

IT WANTS CHANGE.

IT WANTS SILENCE AND FREEDOM

AND GENTLE KISSES AND WARM LIQUIDS

AND DEEP TOUCH.

IT WANTS CHOCOLATE

IT WANTS TO SCREAM

IT WANTS TO STOP BEING ANGRY!

IT WANTS TO COME.

IT WANTS TO WANT.

IT WANTS.

MY VAGINA, IT WANTS,

IT WANTS EVERYTHING.