Accepting Uncertainty
Cast Your Vote for Jennifer Goodman Linn in the 2010 Energizer Keep Going® Hall of Fame By Clicking Here. PLEASE VOTE 1x a DAY EVERY DAY THROUGH AUGUST 20th
When I look back over the past 6 years, the worst parts by far have been the moments when I don't have a clear plan. Being the type-A personality that I am, for some reason plan = comfort to me. When I mentor other cancer patients, I always tell them that the first few weeks are the hardest. Not only are you dealing with the overwhelming adjustment of living with a disease but often, the Doctors don't agree and 2nd and 3rd opinions become more stressful rather than less stressful.
I remember early on in my diagnosis, we were deciding between two doctors/two hospitals. Although both completely agreed with my diagnosis and with the treatment plan, one Dr. told me basically that I had to be a "boy in a bubble" and severely curtail my work life and personal activities. The other Dr. told me that although the treatments might be rough at times, he was determined t let me do all that I wanted to do and live the life I want. No surprise, you all know who I chose to work with!
I was reminded of this "uncertain" feeling again this week when we learned that my blood counts were low for the 2nd week in a row (a "first" for me and not a "first of the good kind!). My oncologist gave me a shot to boost my counts and told me that I shouldn't change any of my planned activities as the white count was beyond my control and all I needed was some time to have the levels readjust themselves. That sounded great to me until I visited one of my other many Dr's this week,'
"I totally disagree with your oncologist," he said. "You are focusing your energies on getting your counts up which is great but what about also focusing your energies on NOT letting them get worse? You shouldn't be around any kids and should cancel all of your plans until your counts are back up," he said. GREAT....now what do I do?
I called my oncologist who confirmed that living life normally wasn't going to harm me...BUT there were parts of me who did feel like after 2 weeks of rejection, I should isolate myself from the world (if only to feel like I was doing more).
So, what do you do when life throws you uncertainty? You make a decision that you can live with. So, I did a bit of both. I reached out to all of my friends with whom I had plans this weekend and explained my situation. About half of my plans dissolved because folks didn't want to be responsible for getting me sick! The other half promised me that they were healthy and I managed to have a great weekend.
If I didn't get to visit my friend's pool this weekend with my friends, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to film this hysterical "bloopers reel" of why I should be the next Energizer Hall of Fame Inductee. Please watch and laugh!
This week is a BIG week for me. I find out if my counts are up so that I hopefully can get chemo again. I also have a scan that will let us know directionally if this new chemotherapy regimen is working. Please send good thoughts my way!
Ahh...dealing with uncertainty. Although I am used to it by now, it never seems to be "easy".