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Cast Your Vote for Jennifer Goodman Linn in the 2010 Energizer Keep Going® Hall of Fame By Clicking Here. PLEASE VOTE 1x a DAY EVERY DAY THROUGH AUGUST 20th
. http://www.energizerkeepgoinghalloffame.com/2010Finalists.aspx?finalists=Jennifer GoodmanLinnhttp://www.youtube.com/get_player

I went to get blood work on Monday for Tuesday’s chemo only to find out that mycounts, platelets etc were too low to be administered the chemotherapy. In 5 years I have only been rejected 2x so this news as not only surprising but very frustrating to me. The doctors and nurses said this setback is “beyond my control” and “it’s just the result of so much chemo over the years that I am not bouncing back as quickly as I used. There is really nothing I can do to change this. How frustrating to not have more control over this important step!

As a result, I am now being moved to an “every other week” schedule versus a “two weeks one, 1 week off schedule”. I would be totally fine with this if I knew the drugs were working but those results won’t be known for a few more weeks. I want to do everything I can to help my body fight this disease so I don’t like being told I can’t have as much chemo as I want (odd, but true)

The irony is that when I went to get my blood work this week, I had no idea that my body was neutropenic (low blood counts which are the body’s primary defense vs. infection). I am usually pretty good at knowing how my body feels so I didn’t like that I couldn’t have predicted this. Silly me said to my team, “you know, I’ve never felt that badly from chemo before, I wonder what it’s like”. Murphy’s Law struck…last night I got a 12 hour stomach bug and was up all night with severe cramps and nausea. Because my counts were low, I had to go into the hospital because I had a low grade fever (very common when your body doesn’t have enough defenses in place to fight infection).

So this week I can chose from two labels, neither of which I like…”chemo reject” or “neutropenic girl”. “What do you mean this might be the new normal for how I tolerate chemo? My urgent care doctor basically said, “After 6 years and all that you have gone through, it’s amazing that you are just having to learn this lesson now. Your body needs time to heal.” For an impatient person, “time to heal” are the worst words to hear. I mean if I could eat 7 cups of spinach daily or take a wonder pill to prevent this from happening again, I would in an instant.

But it’s not that easy. Luckily I was only kept in the hospital for about 4 hours to rehydrate and now I am home with strict orders from my Doctors (and my husband) to take it easy. I have lots of movies, books and Vitamin Water to keep me company.

The hardest part of all this is accepting my body’s limitations. I chalk it up to another lesson that chemo has taught me…sometimes you can’t control things and time and healing are the only things that will make one better.

Cast Your Vote for Jennifer Goodman Linn in the 2010 Energizer Keep Going® Hall of Fame By Clicking Here. PLEASE VOTE 1x a DAY EVERY DAY THROUGH AUGUST 20th

Hi everyone! I am sorry I haven't written in a few days but my ife has been hoppin! yes, this will in fact be the first of MANY bad bunny jokes that I will be making over the next month or so in an effort to subliminally remind you to vote for me. Yesterday, I had a great surprise! Dave, and my friend Brenda who nominated me for the Energizer content, lured me to an "important" business meeting at Equinox. The guise was that I was supposed to "look cute" because I was meeting a high net-worth individual who was very interested in getting involved with Cycle for Survival. Being the "always loyal, never difficult" wife that I am I asked no questions and showed up prepared for the meeting. To my surprise, the "business" meeting was a huge group of friends and family, along with the Energizer Bunny, celebrating my nomination. My in-laws even flew in from Chicago! We got it all on videotape so you can watch how surprised and HOPPY I was ("If I keep on making these cracks for the next month I might have to stop reading my own blog!) We are getting great exposure for Cycle for Survival (cycleforsurvival.org) which is fantastic. Please continue to vote daily and spread the word though all of your networks!

Cast Your Vote for Jennifer Goodman Linn in the 2010 Energizer Keep Going® Hall of Fame By Clicking Here. PLEASE VOTE 1x a DAY EVERY DAY THROUGH AUGUST 20th
. http://www.energizerkeepgoinghalloffame.com/2010Finalists.aspx?finalists=Jennifer GoodmanLinn

It is remarkable to me that over the years I have never dedicated a blog entry to my nearest and dearest friend Alicia. Well, I realized the other day that we have been best friends for over 25 years so please apologize for my delinquence in not raving about my dear friend earlier. Perhaps it is because her presence in my life is such a given. I don’t mean that I take her for granted at all…I just mean that I truly can’t imagine life without her. She is the blood sister I never had.

Alicia and I met when we were 14 years old on a cross-country “teen tour” during the Summer of 1985. It was the summer when St. Elmo’s Fire and Back to the Future ruled the box office, feathered hair was “in” as were the infamous royal blue & white Bennetton Rugby shirts (oh yeah, I remember those!). We met on a bus on the first days of our teen tour in 1985…Alicia was assigned to the back of the bus and I was assigned to the “front.” Two hours into the trip we were sitting next to each other and that is how it all began.

And it’s never ended…and our friendship has always gotten stronger. As my brother declared at our wedding rehearsal dinner, “Jen never got into trouble or was boy crazy until that pivotal summer when she met Alicia!” For the past 25 years, Alicia and I have been thick as thieves.

• From “studying” at Wellesley College’s summer program to studying the cute Australian men on Coogee Beech….
• From traveling in a beat up car across Tasmania to traveling on the 1/9 line to visit each other in NYC….
• From “downing” Cabury chocolates and Cascade Beer to going down the Jersey shore
• From dating musicians to dating MBA’s (not to mention the hundreds of guys in between!)

The truth is I probably have about 1000 pictures of the two of us and at least 1000 stories. Maybe that’s why we are so close…we realize that if we didn’t get along we could blackmail each other with all of the stories we could share! What is amazing and so gratifying to me is that we have only gotten closer over the years.

I keep a hat box filled with all of the beautiful letters I have received since my diagnosis in 2004. The other day I was reading them and I was so touched by just how many there were written by Alicia. From DAY ONE, she has been with me in my battle. From visiting me in the hospital the day after surgery #1 to visiting me last month for surgery #5, Alicia has never left my side.

Although we are no longer the boy-obsessed, Bennetton Rubgy-wearing, feathered hair girls that we were in 1985 (for the record, I was the one with the horrible feathered hair, Alicia’s was always classic), we make time for each other. Despite going to colleges far apart (she in Wisconsin, myself in North Carolina) and being busy with our jobs, we always prioritized each other. I have such fond memories of Alicia coming to visit me in Boston during grad school or of our letter writing days when she was building homes in Atlanta while I was starting my first internship in NYC.

And when I met Dave, I think he was more nervous to meet Alicia than he was meeting my parents. I made it quite clear that if Alicia doesn’t approve, you might as well pack your bags! Luckily, Alicia, Dave, Rob and I love spending time together and started an annual fall outing in 2004 to watch Northwestern play Wisconsin. It is a wonderful weekend that we all look forward to (Alicia will thank me later for not putting incriminating pictures from the last trip on my blog!)

We got married within 3 months of each other and naturally were each other’s Maids of Honors. Looking back, it’s amazing how many hours we spent discussing crazy wedding details like color schemes, playlists, hair styles, make-up etc. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Alicia is now a mother of 4 amazing children and I have been blessed to meet each of them within 24 hours of their arrival. I love Matthew, Daniel, Malena and Delilah as if they were my own and was honored beyond words when Alicia and Rob chose to honor me in the naming of their daughters. Now that the children are all forming their own personalities, I love seeing what Alicia has “handed down” to them. Matthew’s joy of sharing and his natural sensitivity to people’s feelings are pure Alicia. And Daniel’s dynamic energy and “performance skills” remind me of the days when Alicia and I participated in camp sing-alongs, talent shows etc. And the twins are physically beautiful as well as kind, sweet and loving.

What truly amazes me is that since my cancer diagnosis, Alicia has ALWAYS known exactly the right thing to do and the right thing to say (or not to say!). It probably helps that she has training as a social worker but I truly believe it is because of her amazing intuition and listening skills. I always know that she is 100% with me even if we don’t talk about my situation at all. When we launched Cycle for Survival in 2007 (then called Spin4Survival), Alicia and Rob were one of the first teams to sign up. They haven’t missed one year and Alicia has hopped on the bike at least 2x when she was in her last trimester. Their actions convey how committed they are to any cause that matters to me.

Alicia has taught me so much over the years. She has taught me how to be a good friend and she has served as an amazing role model for when Dave and I have children of our own one day. Alicia is, no doubt, the most compassionate, generous, selfless person I know. It is so hard to put into words the love that I have for her. Alicia, thank you for enriching my life and the lives of everyone who meets you. It is an honor and a privilege to be your friend.

Cast Your Vote for Jennifer Goodman Linn in the 2010 Energizer Keep Going® Hall of Fame By Clicking Here. PLEASE VOTE 1x a DAY EVERY DAY THROUGH AUGUST 20th

I am happy to report that my stomach is feeling much better and I actually was able to get to the gym today for a quick workout. I have been so preoccupied with healing from my stomach woes and focusing on battle 6 that I actually forgot that I had chemo this past Tuesday. The good news is that it has hardly affected me…no nausea, no fatigue. Let’s hope it stays this way. I head back for my 2nd chemo treatment this coming Tuesday.

Dave and I have been watching a ton of the World Cup. I am so happy that if we had to get upsetting news about my health we received it during the World Cup. It is a great distraction and it makes me happy to see Dave obsessed with the games. Dave and I travelled to Germany in 2006 and Korea/Japan in 2002 to attend the World Cup and Dave had gone to the 2 tournaments before that (In the US and France). It is bittersweet that we are not there this year. Bitter because it is a “once every 4 year” vacation that we always look forward to and sweet in that it is fun to see how far the game has evolved in the United States and how many Americans are getting behind the spirit of the game. I always say that the World Cup is the closest thing to world peace that I have ever seen. There are no words to explain what it feels like to see so many countries rallying around one common cause.

4 Years ago when we headed to the World Cup I was 5 months out from my 2nd surgery and my hair was just starting to grow back. I had no real understanding that my cancer could become a multi-year battle. My biggest concern was having my hair grow out quickly as I was so uncomfortable wearing it short in the hot European weather. It was a time of new beginnings not only for me but for the U.S. Team. Dave and I loved watching them play in Germany and were so disappointed when they lost to Ghana in 2006.

When I was in the hospital last week, my room became “MSKCC Headquarters” for the World Cup. I was fortunate in that I didn’t have a roommate for 1 of the nights I was there so we had two TV’s in which to showcase the games. It was funny to see how many nurses and Dr’s were all of the sudden making up reasons why they needed to check in on me.
Maybe it’s because I am feeling very reflective and somewhat somber these days, I couldn’t help but compare my current health situation to the U.S. in the World Cup. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work at something, it doesn’t always go your desired way. Right after the U.S. lost a reporter said, “It truly is amazing how quickly things can turn from its zeniths to its nadirs, from the moments of joy and ecstasy and euphoria to the moments of dear sadness and dejection.” That is exactly how I felt going from life as normal to “back at the hospital.” It took me a few days to even accept that I was being checked into the hospital again, forget that my cancer had returned. How could this be? I “trained” so hard to make sure it didn’t come back.

In a post-game interview, Landon Donovan said, “Football is a cruel game sometimes. One minute you are on top of the world, the next minute you are at the bottom of the mountain.” How true that is. In the end, of course, the best-laid plans have failed to deliver for the U.S. Team. Although they are headed home, there’s no shame in defeat for the Americans. I believe, just like me, they’ll be back. Bigger and better than ever. You can count on it.

We often talk about how life can change on a dime and only those who choose to live truly in the present can find real happiness. This sentiment could not have been any more true this past Sunday. We went from a fantastic weekend in the Hamptons to the Urgent Care facility in less than 12 hours.

Jen was recovering from surgery very well (10 weeks now). However, she had severe stomach pains on Sunday that wouldn’t go away so we came to the hospital at midnight. What we thought would be a quick visit (they never are), wound up being a 4-day investigation.

Turns out that although unrelated to the stomach pains, we found out Jen’s cancer is back for a sixth time, and we started an aggressive chemo regimen immediately. As always, we are optimistic, however to have a recurrence so quickly after surgery is not the news we were hoping for.

To try and inject some humor into this series of events, we decided to answer some of your likely questions in the form of a press conference. Hopefully this provides some amusement and education simultaneously.

Reporter from American Medical Journal: “What is Jen’s Treatment Plan?”
Our doctors are working hard to find a chemo option that will kill these tumors once and for all. Jen started an aggressive chemo plan yesterday that will be administered via 3-week cycles. After 2 cycles we will evaluate via CT Scan if the chemo is effective, and if not, we will try something else.
Follow Up Question: Is Surgery an Option?
The good news is that the tumors are currently small and in an operable area if it comes to that. However, finding a chemotherapy that will shrink the tumors is by far the best option now. Surgery can remove them but without something that is proven to kill these latest cancer cells, additional tumors are likely to grow. So Jen might have surgery again in the future, but probably not right now.

Journalist from Psychology Today: “How is Jen’s state of mind?”
Jen is optimistic, determined and resilient. She told her Dr’s that her commitment to them is to do whatever it takes to get rid of these tumors and that they need to hold her to that. She also told her parents not to write her off just yet so…all in all, she is remarkably well, laughing and gearing up for battle #6.

Editor from Self Magazine: “How can we help Jen be her best self on the inside and out?”
Great Question! Please help us by:
• Staying positive. The last thing we need right now are Debbie Downers so stay away if you can’t be strong for us (and we understand if you can’t do this).
• Refraining from asking detailed medical questions. All you need to know is that we are working with the best doctors in the world, and we are confident with the plan. We don’t want to constantly rehash what’s going on since it can be very draining. Also, where possible please refrain from sending emails that ask questions (e.g. how are you? Are you feeling OK?) It’s time consuming to answer so it’s probably often better for you to visit the blog.
• Keeping our minds off Jen’s health situation. It’s really nice for us to not think about Jen’s health all the time. If we see you or talk to you on the phone, please assume that it’s “life as normal” unless we say so. We like learning about what’s going on with you so don’t feel selfish talking about what’s important to you too.

Representative from Oprah Magazine: “What can we do to help?”
The best thing you can do by far is to participate and recruit another person or team to participate in Cycle for Survival 2011. We have just announced that the event will be Feb 6th in Chicago and Feb 12th and 13th in both NYC and Long Island. There are many others who are dealing with a health situation similar to Jen’s where we don’t have a lot of answers. The money raised is changing this trend so it’s the best way to help.
Although totally unnecessary, if you feel the need to do something else for us, Jen is focused on keeping up her physical and mental health with massage, reflexology, meditation, acupuncture, nutrition consultations and pedicures. If you would like to help in this regard, please reach out to Dave before doing so since Jen prefers specific therapists who are part of “Team Jen” because of their expertise in working with cancer patients. Again, totally unnecessary!

Reporter from The New York Post: “What should our front page headline be when we cover this story?”
“Despite Cancer Diagnosis, Jen insists on Living Life Normally”. It is so important to Jen that people don’t victimize her or treat her any differently despite this news. She knows that she may have to cut back on some things but please assume life is normal for now. If you had a project or plans with her, assume they are still a ‘go’. She will tell you otherwise if need be but it’s really critical that she maintains as much of a sense of normalcy as possible.

Paparazzi from The National Enquirer: “Can we tell other people this news?“
Consistent with the past, we are open and honest with our information and have no issue with other people knowing. However, we want to make sure they get the proper information as opposed to hearing through the rumor mill (it makes life a lot harder for us to stop misinformation once it gets out) so best to just attach a link to this entry.

Reporter from US Weekly: “Is it true we saw you hanging out with Hoda Kotb of the Today Show in East Hampton last weekend?”
Hoda and I became acquainted a few years ago when I was on The Today Show for Cycle for Survival. We have run into each other a few times since and saw each other twice last week. I am hoping that she will participate in the 2011 Cycle for Survival Event.

June 16th is National Cancer Survivors Day, a day to honor the survivors that have fought or are fighting this disease. I will be celebrating at Memorial Sloan-Kettering where over 500 survivors will be gathering to share stories and to toast to all that we have learned throughout our journeys.

In honor of the day, I thought it best to post some of the stories from survivors themselves. These stories were taken from the LiveSTRONG website. I have spent HOURS reading them. Every person has their own unique tale and each one demonstrates a test of grit, courage and hope. I am humbled by the “group” I am a part of…

“As strange at it may sound so to some, cancer was actually a positive experience for me. It made me step outside my comfort zone, it made me realize how special my family is, and it brought me some of the best friends I’ve ever had. I will NEVER forget those who sat next to me in those treatment chairs week after week”

“I am a 25 year bone marrow transplant survivor. Diagnosed with CML, a form of leukemia, in April 1984 at age 24. I was not expected to make it to Christmas. Today, I continue to do well and recently celebrated by 50th birthday. Thank you to my donor (my little brother Dan) and my doctors.”

“Actually I never did like the word survivor. It is either a bad T.V. show or someone who washed up on shore after a boat wreck. I go with thriver. In the big picture it does not really matter. What matters is that we are thankful for everyday and we remember those that have past on from cancer.”

“Three years ago I heard the best words I could imagine: ‘Michael, it’s my joy and pleasure to tell you the best news a person in your situation can get. Your operation was successful, we removed all the cancer identified and none of the 17 tissue tests we took from your body has revealed any signs of cancer. Combined with results from all the early scans, we now declare you cancer free!”

“Two years ago I was diagnosed with carcinoid cancer. Treatable but not curable at this point. It rocked my world but it also gave me a new love for life. I started riding my bike again, lost 35 pounds and got myself as healthy as I’ve ever been. Today to honor all cancer survivors I am doing a 30 mile solo ride with two massive hills, lots of curves, straightaways and suprizing potholes. I will smile and wave at everyone along the way and make sure I take time to look at all the beautiful scenery around me.”

“My wife of 22 years, Margaret Reddington, is a 22 year Breast Cancer Survivor. Cancer took away her ability to have children and disfigured her body, but it never broke her spirit. We even adopted a little girl from China 10 years ago. I have a lot of heroes like Arnold, Lance, Patton, Mark Duda, and Coach Mike Ditka, but she is my ultimate hero because I was with her through all of the operations, the chemo twice, radiation, and the vomiting, the complete loss of all of her hair twice, people making fun of her, everything, but nothing ever broke her spirit. In fact as each event happened I think it just pissed her off and made her more determined than ever to beat the disease. She is my number one Hero and I look up to her!!!”

“A year ago I was getting my second round of chemo for testicular cancer and could barely sit up for any length of time. Today I wrapped up teaching a 5 day photo workshop in Yosemite, sharing my love and passion for photography. I’ve been in remission since September, and by God’s grace I’ll stay that way. I am grateful for the lessons cancer taught me. My life is better now than it has ever been.”

“Enjoying the very moment, a momentous moment. I felt grateful and appreciative, but also shouted out loudly in my typical fashion: ‘I am still here, you fucker!”

I have been doing a lot of thinking about fear lately. Not necessarily because I have a lot of it but because I am starting to work on my personal “branding” (more of that to come in future blog posts). My core message really focuses on how I believe fear can be much more paralyzing than freeing and that it actually gets in the way of productivity and happiness. I looked up the word fearless in the dictionary and naturally, the definition states that it is living in a state of “no fear”. I thought that was odd because it is not possible to live without fear. EVERYONE has fear in their lives and fear, in fact, is quite a healthy thing if you don’t let it get the better of you and debilitate the quality of your efforts. I actually think that people who are truly fearless are people who “fear less” because they are willing to confront their fear and embrace it versus deny that it is there.

I always think of the great leaders of recent times…Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Rudy Giuliani (during and after the World Trade Center attacks)…they are all leaders who admitted that they were vulnerable and had fear but that they wouldn’t let fear get the better of them. And once they looked that fear in the face, they realized that they could handle it. I do believe that when we are willing to truly feel what we are feeling, we can move on and thrive.

So, I started to look at my own life and think about a time when I looked fear in the eye and said “bring it on!” Of course there are many stories related to my cancer diagnosis and there are just as many stories related to my career but I decided to focus on a fun one for this post to please the crowd.

In 2000/2001I was working at McKinsey & Company as a consultant. I had the pleasure of working on a compete marketing revamp for the United States Army. I spent over a year working in the Pentagon. It was a fascinating project. Unfortunately just months after we finished our assignment, 9/11 happened and the section of the Pentagon in which I had worked was destroyed. We lost some of our clients (2 and 3-star Generals) in the attacks and it was very sad indeed.

However, for the 16 months I was there, I had an extremely rewarding experience helping the U.S. Army reinvigorate their marketing and sales strategy in an effort to get 210,000 “men in boots” annually. After a particularly well-received presentation one of our key clients thanked us vigorously and asked if there was anything he or the Army could do to show their gratitude for our ideas and our work. Never one to keep my mouth closed, I piped up, “You could let us jump out of a plane!”

Mind you that I am terrified of heights and I was about as keen to jump out of a plane as I was to complete a marathon (not keen at all)! However, I learned that the Army doesn’t really joked around. They took my request quite seriously. The next morning I received a phone call from a staff sergeant requesting that my entire team report at 0600 to Fort Bragg in North Carolina to jump out of a plane with the famous Golden Knights. OMG! My mind raced back and forth between thrill (“How cool…only VIP’s get to jump out of a plane with them!”) and terror (“What the f@#% were you thinking opening your big fat mouth?”).

I was the only member on my team who wasn’t counting the moments until the jump. I guess that’s what happens when you work with a lot of competitive men…Anyway, I got on the plane to North Carolina, had a sleepless night and the morning came way too soon.

I will admit that the fear enveloped me. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Jumping out of a plane went against everything rational to me but I was scared to say “no.” I became a victim of peer pressure and felt helpless.

I was assigned to John who had jumped out of a plane the prior week with George Bush Sr. He was a wonderfully charming guy who had logged in over 500 jumps. I decided to trust him although he told me he went to UNC (Note to readers: If you went to Duke as I did, you never trust a Tar Heel!).

To make a long story short. We didn’t jump out of the plane at 12,000 feet. We somersaulted out of the plane at 15,000 feet…and I loved every minute of it! Somewhere between 10,000 and 15,000 feet I embraced me fear and gave in to it. I realized that admitting that I was so scared I was going to throw up was very freeing. I took the fear on and suddenly I knew I was going to conquer.

Mark Twain once said “Courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear”. I couldn’t agree more.

I am attaching the video here for your enjoyment. Check out my face as I am about to jump…if that expression isn’t a textbook “fear face” I don’t know what is!

I find that I am most at peace and happiest when I am living consistent with my purpose or mission. I have always defined my purpose as creating a world that is free of fear. A world where people tirelessly and relentlessly persevere in getting what they want, obliterating any obstacles that stand in their way.  I always say that I strive to be a living role model to others, demonstrating that without fear, anything is possible within ourselves.

Well, I had the great fortune of witnessing many dear friends this week “fling” themselves at life and embrace it to the fullest.

Let’s start with the amazing Director of Cycle for Survival, Katie Kotkins getting exactly what she wanted…Zeev Klein!  Dave and I were thrilled to celebrate the union of Katie and Zeev this past weekend. We had a great time with the entire Cycle for Survival team!

The wedding was held at the Museum of Natural History and it was not only beautiful but so full of love.  It was clear with every speech and with every dance that this was truly the joining of not just a bride and groom but of two wonderful families.  The wedding struck the beautiful balance of being touching and sentimental while being humorous and a ton of fun. The band was fantastic as were the array of desserts and the pink/black and white color theme.  It wasn’t surprising that Katie who has led Cycle for Survival to be such a success over the past few years would be able to pull off the most organized, beautiful, warm wedding.

Dave and I hold a very special place in our heart for Katie and Zeev. They are one of the most kind-hearted, selfless couples we have ever met.  They approach their lives with a real desire of giving back to charities and causes greater than themselves.  As evidence, not only do they put their heart and soul into our charity, they asked that in lieu of gifts, wedding attendees donate to a charity in honor of the maid of honor.  They are special people and we so look forward to spending more time with them as Mr. and Mrs. Klein!

In other news, I was blown away by the strength and fearlessness of two dear friends…let’s call them “E” and “M”.  Both of them have sarcoma and are having surgery this week.  “E” is having his leg amputated and “M” is fortunate to be able to save his leg but the surgery will be grueling and intense.  Both friends have humbled me with their strength and their ability to look cancer in the eye and say “you won’t get the better of me”.  My journey has become so much richer by knowing them.

I will be spending a fair amount of time at the hospital this week.  Not as a patient but as an advocate and a care giver for these two amazing men.  I hope and pray that their surgeries will be successful and that they will be able to become survivors in the physical sense….clearly they have already proven themselves time and time again as survivors in the behavioral sense.

Please learn from Katie, “E” and “M” and fling yourself at life.  Life is good today.

I apologize for not having written in a week. Take this as a good sign that I am slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things.  I am feeling a bit better each day. I am no longer taking any pain medicine and I am slowly but surely adding new foods into my diet.

My appetite has really come back and in the past week I am proud to say that I have moved beyond my diet of noodles, chicken, white rice and bagels and have embraced fruit, salmon and even some sorbet.  I am hoping to eventually get to vegetables which will be great.

I have been taking the oral chemo for more than a week and so far, so good.  I am a bit tired, which could be from the surgery as well as chemo, but beyond that, I am feeling really strong. I see my doctor this Friday to get a sense of how my body is handling the chemo (blood work etc).

My daily walks have gotten longer and easier.  Hopefully I can get back to the gym in the next few weeks.  I know I have to take it easy but I really can’t wait to start sweating on my terms (as opposed to the night sweats I got from the chemo).

As I have shared before, I am committed to doing whatever I can to make sure this cancer stays away.  I know that I don’t ultimately have control over it but it’s important to me that I feel as if I have tried everything that is supposed to be “good” for me.  I noticed that the one area I really haven’t explored to date is meditation.  Shockingly Team Jen consists of a nutrionist gastroenterologist, accupuncturist, physical therapist and reflexologist but there is no yogi meditator!

So, in the last few weeks I have had an expert teach me the basics and I have started to “meditate”.  I use the term loosely because I am not a natural talent to this art.  I now have a guided imagery CD that I try to listen to 2-3x a week and I am attending a relaxation/meditation class at the hospital 1x a week.  I know you are supposed to meditate daily but give me credit for even trying!

It’s very funny to observe my attempts at meditation.  It took the guy who visited my house at 2 minutes to classify me as a “Type A, overachieving New Yorker” and that’s when I was only 3 weeks post- surgery and still drugged up!  I am scared to ask him how he would classify me when I am completely healthy and not on painkillers! 

Meditation is all about accepting the way things are and not judging yourself or categorizing any of your actions as “right” or “wrong”.  I find that my mind wanders a lot while I am trying to meditate and I have to resist the urge to yell at myself, “You are doing it wrong! You stink at this!”  Anyway, I must admit that after a few minutes of meditating, I do feel more relaxed and see things clearer (literally and figuratively).

In fact, while my mind was NOT supposed to be wandering, I started to think a lot about my current situation and how I sometimes get anxious about my disease.  Most people would say that being anxious about a potentially terminal type of cancer is normal but my anxiety centers much more around a type of “performance anxiety”– I don’t want to let anyone down.

This might sound odd to you but I fee like after being cancer 5 times, I have become a bit of a hero to many cancer patients as well as my family and friends.  When I use the word “hero” it’s not meant to be an ego thing but more like I seem to be invincible or indestructible to many.  In fact, someone the other day said to me, “Well, you’ve beaten it 5 times before, if it comes back, you’ll just beat it again.”    People regard me with a sense of wonder that I have been able to conquer this disease over and over again. And I would be remiss not to include myself in this group. Sometimes I just can’t believe I keep on beating this thing down. I am like the Energizer Bunny — I just keep going and going…

I have also noticed that whenever I speak to someone who has lost a loved one to cancer, they adamantly say, “You have to get better!” or they tell Dave, “You must take care of her!”  Now clearly no one means anything harmful by this and they just are expressing their desires to keep me healthy.  However, sometimes I can’t help but internalize all of these well wishers and start to feel pressured into staying ahead of the cancer.

I know it’s irrational but sometimes I feel like if my disease takes a wrong turn and I can’t maintain my health that I will be letting people down.  I think it makes everyone (including myself) feel better to think that I have control over my illness (“it’s all about the attitude!”) but the reality is that (1) yes, I have proactively done all that I can to stay healthy and (2) despite these proactive measures, I have been truly fortunate that my disease has not gotten worse.

As Lance Armstrong says in his book, It’s Not About the Bike, “Despite my athletic abilities and young age, I would be foolish not acknowledge luck in this process.  I am not sure why I have been chosen to still be alive given what I have gone through”.

So please know that I am just doing the best I can.   I just hope and pray every day that I continue to make everyone proud of my progress.  And most of all, I hope that the performance that people remember about me is the way I performed while living with this disease…regardless of what happens down the road.

My friend just sent this image to me after reading my latest entry and I had to post it.  Here I am, the meditating Superman!