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Creating Our New Story

When I was very ill a few months ago I spent a lot of time engaged in visualization exercises. For those of you who aren’t familiar with visualization, it is a practice that encourages you to form mental images that relax and motivate you.

Research has shown that the same neuro-pathways in the brain are as activated when you vividly imagine experiencing something as when you actually do it. Using your mind to create an image of what you want creates a strong impression on the brain and helps improve performance and get results.

In addition to providing relaxation benefits, visualization has been shown to improve irregular heart beats, aid with digestion and promote a greater sense of happiness and satisfaction.

Many of you know that I love the beach. I have always been a water baby (for those of you out there who are astrological folks, I am born on the cusp of Pisces and Aries which explains why water serves such a critical function in my life). 

However, it wasn’t until I got very ill that I truly realized just how much I loved the water. I would sit in my zero gravity chair (because I really couldn’t move very well) and imagine myself at the beach…listening to the sound of the waves, feeling the sand on my toes and enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin.  

I would envision myself plunging into pools, lakes and oceans cleansing myself of my disease. All I could think about during the rough days of Sept-January is that I might never get well enough to see the beach again. And it truly broke my heart.

It was at this point that Dave gave me one of the nicest gifts I have ever received. He gave me a card that said “If we can’t go to the beach, I will bring the beach to us”. He had bought a few DVD’s of relaxing music and beach scenes which really lifted my spirits. I would spend hours watching the beach scenes and wishing in my heart of hearts that I would get well again to be able to visit the ocean one day.

Fast-forward just a few months and we were able to make it happen! Dave and I were both beyond grateful for this opportunity because we realized that it meant that we had crossed a major hurdle in our medical journey.

When I saw the gorgeous beaches and blue waters of Turks & Caicos I cried of happiness and gratitude. Never did I enjoy sitting on the beach and swimming in the waters as much as I did this past week.

Through working with a healer, I have realized that every day a person can create a new script for their life. We all have a choice in how we want to live our lives and what the story is that we want to create.

I understand now that Dave and I needed to go on a vacation in order to gain some perspective and create a new story for ourselves. We have been through so much this past year and I think that we both have been operating from a place of panic and urgency.

Although my medical situation is still extremely serious, it is not as dire as it was a few months ago. I realized that, prior to this trip, we both hadn’t had the chance to recalibrate our ‘story' to adjust to this new normal. It was really important for us to throw out the past, cast away our doubts and create a new path starting right now. We are not in denial of the past but we will take that learning with us to inform a brighter future.

As we swam in the water I felt cleansed of the past. I realized that my fear of how badly I was feeling a few months ago was paralyzing me a bit from truly moving forward. I committed that I would start over again and begin writing the story of “How Jen is going to live this new chapter of life”.

I will always cherish this vacation because I find it so symbolic. It represents not only the strength and perseverance it took for us to get there but also for the valuable insights we have learned along the way.

Off for some much needed R&R

Dave and I decided to take a spur of the moment trip for a few days to Turks and Caicos to celebrate the success of Cycle for Survival, my 40th birthday and my improved health status. I am so excited for this trip given that there were a few months in late 2010 that I really thought I wouldn't live to see the beach again. I have no doubt that seeing the beautiful waters of the Caribbean will be very cathartic and healing for both of us. I am beyond grateful for all that I have been given. I will write when we return.

Cycle for Survival West Coast – A San Francisco Treat!

Dave and I just returned from the inaugural San Francisco event and it was fantastic! Over 200 riders showed up for the cause and they raised as much as year I New York City did 4 years ago – truly amazing!

The Equinox downtown location is the old stock exchange building and it was such a beautiful space. Everyone from the Equinox managers, instructors and participants put their "all" into the event and it showed.

It is amazingly rewarding to see that a city 2500 miles away from the original birth place of Cycle for Survival could show as much passion for the cause as they did. We can't wait to make 2012 bigger and better!  

We got home late last night because I need to go to chemotherapy.  So this blog is short but I wanted to post some videos and pictures as soon as I could!  I will keep adding to this blog post as I receive more pictures!

Make this Your Year of Living Fearlessly

Hi everyone, I apologize for not writing in a bit.

The good news is that I have been busy getting my life back in order. I am so thrilled to feel good these days. Cycle for Survival continues to be busy in the most wonderful of ways. Dave and I are headed to San Francisco with the team this coming weekend to enjoy the inaugural San Fran event.

We are also busy already planning for 2012. Hold onto your hats because the event promises to be bigger and better!

Dave and I had the absolute pleasure of taking the Cycle for Survival team out for dinner this past weekend to celebrate the event’s success. It is such a privilege to work with such passionate, motivated sincere people who truly want to make the world a better place by eradicating cancer. Dave and I marvel at the professionalism and compassion of every Cycle for Survival team member. We truly feel that one of the reasons Cycle for Survival has been so successful is because it is blatantly obvious that the team views their role as much more than a “job”. They put so much love into their day to day activities and that is clearly transparent to everyone who participates. So a special thank you to Katie, Marissa, Amanda, Greg, Lauren, Julia, Jill and Merrell…we are beyond fortunate to have you on “our” team!

In other very exciting news, my latest test results came back very positive. My heart is in great shape and has not been affected by the toxicity of the chemo and the chemo regimen is continuing to shrink my tumors (in some cases, those suckers are 20-30% smaller than just 6 weeks ago!) The Doctors continue to be thrilled by my progress so the plan is to keep on going with the chemo until it stops working or my heart can’t take it anymore. Let’s hope that both don’t happen for a long, long time!

Although the chemo does take a toll on me, I am no longer debilitated like I used to be. I have been managing to go to the gym most days of the week and I am up to 30 minutes of cardio and about 15 minutes of weight training. Granted the resistance level on the machines is a fraction compared to what I used to be able to do but at least I am going!

I believe I shared a few months ago that I authored my first article called Make this Your Year of Living Fearlessly which appeared in Whole Living magazine this month. I have received really wonderful feedback so I am attaching the article for you to read. Hopefully I will have more opportunities to share my story and my philosophy going forward.

http://www.wholeliving.com/article/your-year-of-living-fearlessly?xsc=eml_bas_2011_02_21

I will report back on the San Fran event when I return next week. In the meantime, here are some more of my favorite pictures from the NY event. Many of them are too “big” to post on my blog but they will be available on the Cycle for Survival website shortly. Have a wonderful week!

New York…Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are Made Of!

Wow is all I can say! Dave and I are still recovering from this amazing past weekend. Long Island and NYC Cycle for Survival events exceeded all expectations. The energy was unparalleled and we presented a check for $4.2MM to the doctors at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center…a full $2MM more than last year’s amount.

I had one day of rest before I had to get round #6 of chemo on Tuesday.

I am truly savoring all of the beautiful emails I am receiving from participants who loved the event. I will make sure to post some of these beautiful quotes in the weeks to come.

For now I just wanted to post some links to the great press we received that day.

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/good_day_ny/medical_headlines/cycle-for-survival-20110211

 

http://www.foxnewsinsider.com/2011/02/11/cycle-for-survival-raises-awareness-for-rare-cancers/

 

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/02/12/152467/

 

http://videos.nj.com/star-ledger/2011/02/cycle_for_survival_fundraiser.html

 

 

Thank you for making a difference in my life and the lives of millions of patients who are suffering from rare cancers. I spoke to a few people at the event who are currently on trials funded by Cycle for Survival. Now that’s progress! The website will be accepting donations for the 2011 event through March 31st so you can still donate (and encourage your friends to donate) at Cycleforsurvival.org

Chicago is My Kind of Town!

Dave and I just got home from the 2nd annual Cycle for Survival in Chicago and it surpassed all expectations!

The energy and inspiration in the room was palpable! A sincere thank you to the fantastic MSKCC and Equinox Teams who worked so hard to make the event a success . And a shout out to Lead Dog, our fantastic event agency responsible for making things run so smoothly.

I always say to people, it's hard to explain the magic of the day…you just have to come and see it and you will be sold! So, rather than talk a lot about it, I thought I would explain in pictures and videos.

So check out some of my favorite pictures above and feel free to watch the below videos.

I have included 4 that I love:

  1. The Day Before Walk-Thru (you won't believe how we transform the gym for the day of the event)
  2. The Dance Party that occurred during one of the cycling sessions – people were having a great time!
  3. Some fun choreography that went on during the last hour of the day thanks to Tina Turner
  4. The Check Ceremony – it's about 15 minutes long but very inspiring (esp. 4-year old Emma who is a survivor!)
  5. More great choreography!

ENJOY! The best part of all of this is that I get to experience it again in Long Island and NY this coming weekend and in San Francisco in early March.  It's like a month-long birthday party for me!

Now, I am going back to sleep…I am exhausted but happyyes

Untitled from Giving to MSKCC on Vimeo.

Bring it On Chicago

We are so happy to be in Chicago to kick off Cycle for Suvival season!  We have already raised close to $3.2MM dollars and there is still time to donate at cycleforsurvival.org!

Despite the 3rd most severe blizzard in Chicago's history, we landed safely and are excited for tomorrow. We have 200 teams riding and Chicago has DOUBLED their fundraising from last year to over $400K. Way to go Windy City!

I appeared on the CBS morning news in Chicago this morning which was great exposure for the event. Here is the "behind the scenes" interview of me being interviewed by Steve Bartlestein who was also treated at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer center.


Thank you for all of your support.  I will check back in a few days with all the details of Chicago's Cycle for Survival!

Partnering with my Disease

With a few weeks to go, Cycle for Survival has ALREADY surpassed last year’s total of $2.4MM. Now is the time to really make an impact. Please donate, any amount, at cycleforsurvival.org or directly to my team at http://mskcc.convio.net/goto/fearless

As many of you know, I am willing to try almost anything within reason to rid myself of the cancer that invades my body. Over the years I have tried acupuncture, reflexology, reiki and cranial massage, yoga, meditation and nutritional supplements. The only thing I remember actively refusing was a very invasive “turbo greens” enema concoction (I think I’ll pass!).

Lately, I have started working with a healer. When people ask me what she “does”, I have a hard time explaining…she just makes me feel like I am empowered to get rid of my cancer. Her whole philosophy is that you have the ability to heal yourself of any disease that has entered your body.

She describes her work as alternative, energy “medicine” –  deep trauma and cellular release of disease from the the body. Finding the core root of the disease and releasing it from the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual bodies of which we are all formed.  This is done through psycho-energetic discussions, hands on healing techniques, holistic nutrition, visualization and exercise suggestions.  She strongly believes that if a person’s spirit still has enough energy, and is willing and ready, the body will rejuvenate. She has witnessed miracles and believes truly that nothing is impossible.

I was skeptical at first but she has made me realize that historically, I had a pretty adversarial relationship with my disease. I always say to folks, “I have cancer but cancer doesn’t have me”. And when people ask what is the key to my being so “zen” with regards to my situation, I often say, “I am able to separate myself from the disease.”

The healer I work with has made me realize that while this is one approach that may work, it definitely is not the only one. She has encouraged me to “connect” more with my cancer. Rather than separate myself from it, acknowledge it, accept it and “nurture” it in a way . This may sound crazy to you but it makes sense to me.

I was doing a really good job of disconnecting myself from the sarcoma. I wasn’t in denial but I would go to chemotherapy and watch a movie or read a book. I never truly thought about why I was there and what I hoped the chemotherapy might achieve. The mornings of all of my surgeries, I would play the theme from Rocky and vow that I was going to “crush” the cancer. I was going to “beat this battle”.

But how can we really heal ourselves of something if we aren’t truly connected to it? I have come to realize that I don’t you think you can. She has helped me truly “connect” better with my disease. Now when I go to chemotherapy sessions, I visualize what the chemo is doing when it enters my body. I meditate throughout the 20 minute session and actively think about the liquid connecting with, and killing, my cancer cells. I nurture the disease. This doesn’t mean that I am grateful for it and want to be my cancer’s friend. It means that rather than look at it as a battle that I must win, I partner with it and invite the cancer to leave my body.

I’ve come a long way in a few months. This is a very different approach for me but I am enjoying it. I feel much more at peace with my situation.

That being said, it DOESN’T mean that I can’t acknowledge how hard chemo can be. I am on two drugs: epirubicin and temozolomide. Epirubicin is called “the red devil” and can be very toxic to your heart. Ironically, I feel OK with that drug. It’s the temozolomide that I take orally for 5 days every 3 weeks that wreaks havoc on my insides. I was having one of those days this past week…feeling sick to my stomach all day. I embraced a healing philosophy and rather than be combative, I tried to be grateful for the chemotherapy and its function in my recovery.

I also wrote a song to commemorate my “not so favorite” chemo drug. I hope you enjoy it!

Temozolomide – Written to the tune of Yesterday by The Beatles

Temozolomide, I wanted to like you, I really tried.

But when I hear your name I want to run and hide.

Oh why must I take Temozolomide?

Temozolomide, I can’t believe there was a chemo I hadn’t tried.

When the Dr’s said “few side effects” they surely lied.

Oh why must I take Temozolomide?

“Why did I get cancer?”, “We don’t know”, the Dr’s sighed…

I said “I’ll do what it takes”

Now I’m stuck with Temozolomi-i-i-de

Temozolomide, you’re really helped me so I shouldn’t be snide.

The way you’re crushing my tumors fills me with pride.

I guess I’ll stick with Temozolomide

Temozolomide, together we’ve had quite the ride.

For without you I might have died.

I guess I’ll stick with Temozolomide

In amazing Cycle for Survival news, our friends Kristen and Brian hosted a satellite spin event in a suburb of Chicago with 40 spinners this past weekend. What was particularly meaningful is that the cycling instructor’s daughter is currently battling a rare form of cancer. They raised lots of $ and we are so grateful. I attached pictures for all to see! I will write again soon before the craziness of the event takes over!