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Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in – Michael Corleone, Godfather 3

Sometimes I equate having cancer with being in the mafia. You might not want to keep this company but sometimes you don’t have a choice. I was having Godfather flashbacks this past weekend.

Dave was getting ready to go to Israel for 17 days to play in the Maccabiah games. We were enjoying the 4^th of July holiday and got to spend July 4^th watching the fireworks from the upper deck of the Intrepid Air and Sea and Museum. It was beyond beautiful. The weather was great and we were happy.

However, I had been experiencing sharp pains in my lower abdomen for a few days. I never knew when they were going to come but when they did, they were excruciating. I had never felt anything like it.

Dave was worried and I was just frustrated. For most people this would mean, “Take some Motrin and see what happens”. For me, it meant I had to visit MSKCC’s urgent care facility. The words of my doctor rung in my head, “We are keeping you on a short leash and if you experience anything unusual, you need to visit us”.

So, Dave and I spent all day Sunday sitting around urgent care getting scans and check-ups. Thank goodness it turns out that I just was experiencing tendonitis (actually, it was my physical therapist who diagnosed me the next day!). I never thought that my recent introduction back to exercising would cause undue stress on my lower abdominal muscles. They are having a hard time keeping up with me after so many weeks of inactivity.

We were both thrilled to hear this news. It meant that Dave could travel to Israel with no concerns and that I could rest easy and take some Motrin. However, I couldn’t help but get sad over the situation. I am trying so hard to put cancer behind me…I am eating well, exercising, sleeping a lot etc. However, one little move and I am right back to where I started…the hospital, the injections, the scans.

I am mentally ready to move on but physically I will be dealing with this for a while.

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Lance Armstrong’s Hero Tag Applies to Jennifer: Scott Soshnick

Commentary by Scott Soshnick

July 14 (Bloomberg) — Truth be told, this column was supposed to be about that great athletic inspiration Lance Armstrong, the cycling supernova and cancer advocate who first whipped the tumors and then the competition.

Armstrong is pedaling, yet again, contending for what would be his eighth Tour de France title.

It’s an amazing tale of triumph, grit, determination and will.

Here’s another one for you.

It’s the story of Jennifer Linn, who is also a cyclist, albeit of the indoor and stationary variety.

Armstrong says he rides for cancer survivors. Funny, but Jen says that particular term doesn’t compute. She simply won’t let it.

“I don’t know what survivor really means,” she told me the other day. “I’m a liver.”

It’s more than semantics.

It takes only a few seconds of conversation with this effervescent 38-year-old to recognize that Jen knows what she wants out of life. And, even better, she’s intent on getting it. No matter the obstacles. No matter the doctors and their diagnoses. No matter the abdominal cancer that keeps coming back. Again and again and again and again.

Literally.

Living Goal

More than anything Jen, who runs the consumer marketing group atNickelodeon, home of SpongeBob and Dora, wants to explore what’s possible. Simply existing isn’t enough. Living is the goal. Every day. Best she can.

I was introduced to Jen by the good folks at New York’s Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, where surely, I figured, Armstrong must be a source of daily inspiration.

Instead I found inspiration in Jen, who had read Armstrong’s book, “It’s Not About the Bike,” before beginning her first chemotherapy treatment.

The more we spoke, the more evident it became that what Armstrong is doing for others pales in comparison with what folks like Jen are doing for themselves.

“Early on I realized I have a choice in how I live,” she says. “You either give up or fight like hell.”

Great slogan. Perhaps Nike Inc. ought to give Jen a commercial.

Jen might not be a world-class athlete, but she doesn’t miss a turn on the bike. An hour on good days. Sometimes only minutes on bad days. Never skips it, though.

“I love, love, love to exercise,” she says. “It’s a good way to show you’re alive, to push yourself.”

Chemo Fridays

Jen is always pushing, which is why she schedules chemotherapy treatments on Friday afternoons. That gives her the weekend to recover from any nausea and fatigue. You see, she doesn’t want to miss work. Not a day.

Jen refuses to see herself as a statistic, which is probably a good thing since doctors gave her a 50-50 shot at beating the sarcoma that was found in her gut back in 2004.

Jen wakes up, assesses her condition and lives to the best of that day’s abilities. Living is a choice.

The good news about Jen’s particular cancer, doctors say, is that it’s treatable if it stays put. The bad news is that it’s a pesky variety that leaves and comes back, leaves and comes back.

“I’ve never made it past 13 months,” Jen says.

So far she’s had four reoccurrences. And four major surgeries.

Jen has endured 30 months of intensive chemotherapy. All those needles, all those lines, as the nurses call them, have compromised her veins. That explains the port in her chest.

Finding Time

And still she finds the time and the energy to pump those pedals, which, like Armstrong, has become a vehicle for helping others.

Three years ago Jen founded Cycle for Survival, which has raised more than $2 million, making it the most successful patient-run fundraiser in Memorial Sloan-Kettering’s 125-year history. The next installment is scheduled for Jan. 31, 2010, in New York, and Feb. 6 in Chicago.

This woman just won’t quit until so-called orphan cancers, rare types like the one she has, and that don’t get much attention from pharmaceutical companies, are vanquished.

Jen’s team is called the LiveStrong Linns, a play on Armstrong’s ubiquitous slogan and yellow wristbands.

Something tells me that he’d be OK with the infringement. You can’t trademark help and hope.

“Lance has put a face on cancer that says we want to continue living,” Jen says.

A famous face.

Representing Everyone

Jen, meantime, represents the faceless. After all, she won’t be sipping champagne while pedaling up the Champs-Elysees anytime soon. Maybe that’s a good thing. Jen is the girl next door. She’s your sister. She’s your friend, not some world-class athlete with ungodly stamina. People can relate.

Fact is, all the things people say about Armstrong are easily applied to Jen, too.

She’s a hero. A fighter. An advocate. A role model. A beacon.

Before we parted Jen asked if I thought Armstrong, who was in second place at the time, would win the Tour. I wouldn’t bet against him, was my response.

“I understand that,” Jen said.

Of course she does.

(Scott Soshnick is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Scott Soshnick in New York atssoshnick@bloomberg.net

Last Updated: July 13, 2009 21:01 EDT ‘

I am two weeks back at work and so far so good. I have really been able to live up to the commitment I made to myself to live life in “balance” despite harried meetings, business dinners and lots to catch up on.

So now, Matthew and Daniel have two little sisters: Malena and Delilah. They are beautiful!

When I completed my 4^th surgery last month, I made a commitment to myself – that I would do whatever I could do to keep the cancer away for good.  Now, I realize to an extent that having a cancer relapse may be beyond my control. However, if the cancer does return, I want to be able to say “I did everything I possibly could to keep it from coming back”.  So, I have spent the last week visiting doctors that I have neglected and setting up appointments with professionals who I believe will help me prioritize my health and wellness.

Introducing Team Jen J

2 disclaimers before I introduce you to them

1)   I realize that I am indeed very fortunate to have the means by which to work with these experts

2) I admit that I am quite impressionable these days and will take advice from practically anybody, no matter how kooky that advice is!

My General Practitioner – I love this woman and I have not seen her since she did the blood tests that revealed I had a major infection somewhere in m body (aka Cancer).  I have been way too busy with other critical doctor appointments and, as I said to her, “I have been totally healthy with the exception of cancer for the past 4.5 years!” The good news is that my cholesterol and blood pressure are great (I was relieved to hear that now that cancer is behind me, I don’t have another physical condition to battle!).  I need to watch my iron levels but that’s about it.

My Dermatologist – I had not visited a dermatologist in a few years for two reasons: 1) because I figured that if I was having chemo for sarcoma that hopefully the chemo was taking care of skin cancer if I had that as well (just kidding) and 2) because I didn’t feel like having someone yell at me to wear even more sun block than I currently do (“c’mon, I have cancer…please allow me one vice!)  Well, my dermatologist “to the stars” says that I should wear more sun block but she is not concerned about anything. She did recommend that in the fall I start doing extremely expensive chemical peels so I can “minimize age spots and protect my youthful appearance.”  Beauty at a high cost indeed!

My Acupuncturist – My visit is on Monday.  I figured, “Why not?”

My Personal Trainer – I can’t work out with him for another month but I have been working with Gustavo for years.  Unfortunately my workouts have not been that great given all of the fatigue brought on by the chemotherapy.  I am hoping that now that chemo and surgery are behind me, I can hit the ground running and ramp up my cardio vascular abilities and my metabolism. No pain no gain!

My Physical Therapist – Unfortunately, I have taken “no pain, no gain” literally meaning that in my desire to have great “gains”, I have been saddled with a fair amount of  “pains”.  My hip has been bother me for years and so I decided to get it checked out so that nothing could stop me from having great workouts once I am physically able.  When the physical therapist shared with me that my hip pain is a result of one leg being longer than the other and other embarrassing physical deformities, I realized that I should probably add a psychologist/therapist to my team!  Becoming your personal best does require high self-esteem as you start to realize that as you get older, there is a lot wrong with you!

My Nutritionist – Unfortunately, every time I have surgery I get major digestive problems. The truth is that I might have to live with digestive discomfort for years.  So, I decided to work with a professional who could recommend foods to eat that would minimize my stomach pains and maximize my health benefits (and keep the weight off!).  I love this woman and in just 5 days I have already seen a difference in my comfort level and my energy.  Goodbye processed foods, hello organic living!

You can’t say that I am not trying!  I will keep you posted on my progress!

I was able to attend both my 20^th high school reunion and my 10^th business school reunion in the past month. 

Although I was still fairly fragile at my high school reunion, I was able to connect with so many old friends and family.  I was amazed at how supportive all of my high school peers were about my recent surgery and the battle I have been fighting over the past 4.5 years.

One of my friends encouraged people in our class to donate small prizes that could be raffled off that night to benefit Cycle for Survival.

I was touched that about 20 of my classmates donated everything from a case of wine to a personal training session to a beach house at the New Jersey Shore.  We raised almost $2000 for Cycle for Survival!

It was so nice of my classmates to do this. 

I also loved that I was able to reconnect with so many old friends and hear what is going on in their lives.   I felt that with many of my peers, we were able to pick up right where we left off.  I also found that there were some fun surprises in store.

Who knew that “that guy” would now be distributing porn?  Who knew that the kid who failed phys ed would now be a personal trainer to the stars?  Who knew that a friend who loved to write short stories is now a lead writer at the San Francisco Chronicle?

The only somewhat awkward moment was that my high school boyfriend didn’t recognize me at all and had to look at my name tag (we dated for over 2 years!).  I guess not everyone can actually look YOUNGER AND BETTER at their 20^th reunion!

On the heels of the 20^th high school reunion, Dave and I headed to Boston for my 10^th business school reunion.  Whereas many people from high school fundamentally looked very different to me, it seemed like everyone that I graduated with from business school looked EXACTLY the same!  In fact, some people even looked younger than theydid 10 years ago!  It was an amazing weekend reminding me not only of how much I loved the learning aspect of business school but also how much I love and admire so many of my classmates.

The highlight of the weekend for me was, by far, the Cycle for Survival case (I have included it below so folks can read it if they are interested).  It is a HUGE honor to have a case written about you in business school and the 10^th reunion committee decided that they wanted to write a case about me and Dave and the development of our baby, Cycle for Survival. 

There are so many business issues that need to be figured out as we expand and it was truly an honor and a privilege to have my brilliant classmates contribute their thinking to our cause. We had over 250 people attend the session andtheir insights were so helpful.  We also were able to recruit a lot more advocates for the 2010 event!    My favorite comment by far was my friend Paul who, when asked if he thought that my persona/story was “big” enough to go national, he answered “You are as scalable as Jesus!”

I have since received so many emails from classmates telling me that it was the “highlight” of their weekend.  It was the highlight of mine too!  Someone said to me “it was like It’s a Wonderful Life but you don’t need to die to see how many people love you!”  I couldn’t agree more.

On the Sunday of the weekend, Dave and I were able to visit a few of his college fraternity brothers and their families.

These are tried and true friends who we have known for years. They have been so supportive of us through thick and thin. Although diapers and distances keep us from seeing each other as much as we would like, we picked up right where we left off and had a great time.

I am blessed to have so much love in my life.

Cycle for Survival: Keeping the Wheels Turning 

Cancer has not forced me to change my life.  The irony is that cancer has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. 

– Jennifer Goodman Linn

January 25, 2009 represented a landmark day in the fight against cancer.  The third annual indoor spinning event, Cycle for Survival, featured 1,500 participants, collected donations from over 10,000 individuals, and generated over $1,200,000 amidst the most challenging economic climate in decades.  

Founded in 2007 by Jen Goodman Linn (HBS ‘99 G) and her husband, Dave Linn (HBS ’00 E), Cycle for Survival had staged three, single-day events that generated a total of $2 million for rare cancer research.  These funds directly improved patient treatment and enhanced patient care.  Jen was diagnosed with sarcoma in 2004, which began a continuing fight against the disease.  Her commitment to herself and other patients in her predicament provided the motivation to create and produce these events.

Just days after that magical Sunday in New York City, however, Jen and Dave knew the stakes were still high.  Jen’s cancer recently had returned for the fourth time, and she would once again visit Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (MSKCC) for treatment.   

The charity events had gained valuable momentum and reached a key inflection point.  Jen and Dave had an opportunity to foster meaningful growth, which would translate directly into more money for rare cancer research.  But they wrestled with identifying the best way to expand Cycle for Survival.  As they combed through press clippings, event photos, inspirational emails, and congratulatory letters, Jen and Dave turned their attention towards the future – of the event and of their lives.

Jen’s Story

I may have cancer, but cancer doesn’t have me.

– Jennifer Goodman Linn

In November 2004 at age 33, and just a few months after attending her 5-year HBS reunion, Jen Goodman Linn started experiencing night sweats, stomach pain, and a persistent low-grade fever.  Tests revealed MFH Sarcoma, a rare soft-tissue cancer that affects a small percentage of all cancer patients.  Jen’s treatment at MSKCC involved twenty-six months of chemotherapy treatments and four surgeries, the first of which removed a football-sized tumor from her abdomen.  During her regular hospital visits, Jen developed strong bonds with her fellow patients and caregivers at MSKCC. 

Jen often said that MSKCC treated her body, and the Equinox Fitness Center in Columbus Circle treated her soul. Finding special meaning in the gym’s tagline, It’s not Fitness, It’s Life, Jen found a community and support system at Equinox.  While undergoing her first round of treatment, Jen derived true empowerment from her indoor cycling sessions.  She regularly attended spinning classes, regardless of how she felt after chemotherapy treatments.  Cycling was the one thing that made her feel in control, alive, and enabled her to keep fighting against the disease.  She likened the hill segments of each spin session to a metaphor for her next battle.  Jen recalled, “I found the cycling program and many of the instructors so inspiring.  It may sound a bit extreme, but I believe that spinning saved my life.”  She vowed to do something not only to express her gratitude to both MSKCC and Equinox, but also to raise awareness and much-needed funds for those battling rare forms of cancer. 

A Worthy Cause

In 2006, after overcoming two relapses and once again entering a period of remission, Jen was determined to use her passion for spinning as a vehicle to raise money for sarcoma research.  Sarcoma fell into the category of rare cancers, often referred to as Orphan Cancers, which were comprised of hundreds of different cancers that affected millions of people.  These cancers were difficult to diagnose and deadly if treatment was delayed.  Together, Orphan Cancers represented 35% of all cancer deaths annually.  Due to their disperse nature, however, Orphan Cancers received less attention and funding than more common cancers.  Without well-researched treatment protocol, few therapeutic options existed beyond trial and error. 

Jen’s Cycle for Survival became the only national foundation or charity that directly benefitted rare forms of cancer.  The proceeds from Jen’s efforts helped underwrite clinical trials to study new chemotherapy regimens that may be more effective at shrinking tumors in patients with some forms of rare cancer.  One of her physicians at MSKCC, Dr. Robert Maki, a world-renowned expert in the field contended that “the standard drugs we have used for the first fifty years of the history of medical oncology are toxic and not always particularly effective.  By gaining a better understanding of the basic biology of these types of cancers, we hope to develop more precise treatments that focus on specific targets in the cancer cell.”<s

A good friend of mine once said that what he loves about New York is that it is truly a city that “grows with you”.  He meant that it is a great city for single people when they are out of college (bars, clubs, co-ed sporting leagues), it is a great city for married couples (restaurants, entertainment, culture), and it is a great city for families  (festivals, Broadway shows, museums).  He marveled at how the city has changed with him.  I remember him saying, “no matter what happens in my life and how my life changes, the city is always there offering unlimited options.

I have truly seen a different side to the city over the past few weeks when I have been well enough to venture outside.  I have been able to enjoy so much of the city that seems to pass me by when I spend long hours in the office.

 I have fallen in love with New York all over again.

In the past few weeks I have rediscovered, and fallen in love with, Central Park . It is hard to believe that I live 1 BLOCK AWAY and the only time I really go to visit the park is when I have out-of-town visitors staying with me!

Since I am unable to do anything strenuous beyond walking, I have taken it upon myself to discover all of the nooks and crannies that the park has to offer. In fact, the other day I was able to make it around the 6.5 mile loop.  In addition to the park’s beauty, I love seeing all of the different people who enjoy using the park. On a typical day you will hear over 20 languages being spoken and see all types of enthusiasts (runners, bikers, jugglers) using the park.  The park is a great tribute to NY’s amazing diversity.

I have also rediscovered NY culture.  In the past few weeks, I have gone to Cirque do Soleil as well as seeing both Hair and Billy Elliott on Broadway.  All were wonderful. I also went to the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) to see a photography exhibit (again, embarrassing to admit that the new museum opened over a year ago and I have yet to visit).

I have explored new parts of NYC and reconnected with some of the parts of the city that I love.  It has been a long time since I aimlessly wandered in SOHO. I’ve always wanted to spend more time in lower Harlem and I got to do that as well.

I have enjoyed spending more time with good friends.  I am fortunate that many of my good friends are home part of full-time taking care of their children.   I have had the pleasure of visiting nursery school classes and picking up my friend’s children from school and taking them for lunch or ice-cream.

All in all, it has been a wonderful past few weeks.  My love affair with NY continues!

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

I had a long day at the doctor’s on Friday and I will start with the good news…

Good news is that the surgery was very successful and as of today I am technically “cancer free”.  The surgeons believe they were able to remove all of the cancerous cells (that they can see) and they are happy with the progress.

Bad news is that there is no real clear “next step” (we have been in this position 3 times before so it is nothing new, just not easy to hear).  We spent hours discussing the pros and cons of more chemo. Basically, more chemo will prolong the cancer from returning but it won’t prevent if from coming back if there are any cancerous cells in my body that they can’t see.  Given that I have been through so much chemo (and my body has really been beaten down by it over the past 2 years) we have decided to stop treatment (for the time being if not hopefully forever) and just monitor me very closely.  I will get CT scans every 2-3 months and we will hope that this time is different than the last 3 times and the cancer won’t return.  

It is very hard for me to hear the docs say “it couldn’t have gone better” and “we’re not sure what’s right to do next” in the same sentence.  So, I am choosing to live my life as if the cancer is gone for good. I am calling this time around “The Final 4” and assuming it won’t come back.  The docs won’t let me exercise for 6-8 weeks (it kills me) but as soon as I can, I am re-committing myself to the gym and to a healthy lifestyle (I am visiting with Doug’s nutritionist in a few weeks when I can start eating normally again).

The Docs don’t want me headed back to work until I am completely healed so it will likely be a few more weeks. Every time I have surgery, it gets a bit harder on the system so the recover is longer.  In the meantime, I am setting up appointments to get a complete physical and to meet with a nutritionist to make sure I have a baseline understanding of my health before I am “set free”.

I am healing a bit more each day. Now the big issue is my digestive system.  It has become very heard to eat anything without getting sick.  This is common and has happened in the past but it is not fun!

Does it sound odd to say that I had a great surgery and hospital stay?  Rarely do you hear the words “great” and “surgery” or “hospital” put together but as I sit at home in the comfort of my bed (bed is comfortable, finding a comfortable position in which to sit is not), I have only good memories of the past week.

The more surgeries and hospital visits you have, the more comfortable you are with the way things work.  When I headed to the hospital last Tuesday, I had no fear because

I had “been there” so many times.  Dave and I went up to the 6^th floor surgical check-in center at MSKCC and Carla was very excited to see me (that’s when you know you have been there too often!). She gave me a big hug and took me through the “drill” which I could recite to her by now.

I rested before surgery with my “Zen” Ipod mix. When it came time for them to take me into the operating room, I actually enjoyed talking with the anesthesiologists and hearing the details of the surgery to come.  I had none of the fears I used to have of “What if I wake up during the surgery?” or “What happens if you don’t give me enough drugs?” because I knew that I would fall asleep and wake up in the recovery room with absolutely no recollection of what had happened over the past x many hours.

And this is exactly what happened.  I woke up about 4 hours later and immediately realized that I did not have the annoying tube that they usually put down your throat to prevent infection during surgery.  It turns out that my surgery was less invasive than planned (a good thing!) so they didn’t need to use the tube.  They rolled me to my bed on the 15^th floor (my 3^rd visit to this floor; I’ve had 6 visits to the 16^th floor) and within hours I felt “fine”.

The five nights in the hospital went by pretty quickly.  I was insistent on asking for certain things that would make my stay more pleasant. For instance:

·      Take my vital signs as infrequently as possible during the night so that I can try to get some rest

·      Give me more painkillers about 10 minutes before you make me sit up and try to walk

·      Remove my catheter after 2 nights and NO EARLIER so that I don’t have to get up during the night when I am in pain

·      Order my foot massages from integrative medicine early in the AM so I am guaranteed a visit

I also was thrilled to have a lot of visitors.  My parents were there…theyare always wonderful in that they come the first few days when I am too “stoned” to do anything but sit in bed and stare at the walls. In addition my sister-inlaw visited from Chicago.  My brother and a variety of close NY friends also stopped by which always makes the time go by more quickly.

Unfortunately I also had 3 good friends in the hospital at the same time.  Although I loved that we could visit each other, it is bittersweet that 3 friends of mine – Candace, Paul and Dani – are all dealing with cancers similar to mine and that we all had to have surgery.  Paul and I had surgery on Tuesday the 28^th, Candace on Wednesday the 29^th and Paul on Thursday the 30^th.  I am thrilled to report that when I left they were all well on the road to recovery. I got to leave after 5 days which was much sooner than we thought would be possible.  Dave took a picture of me waving goodbye with the hopes that I never need to visit again. 

When we were leaving, I made Dave take a picture of my FAVORITE scene outside of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center — the employees smoking outside the hospital building!  Ridiculous.

It is now my 3^rd day at home and it is so nice to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own shower (or shower at all for that matter as I am not a fan of hospital showers).  I have had lots of fun visitors and I have been watching a lot of good TV.  I am now hooked on the HBO Series, In Treatment. Really good! 

The weather is supposed to be very ugly for the next week which is good because I won’t be tempted to do too much too soon.  Lots of doctor’s appointments next week to figure out if we are done for now or if there are more treatments in my future.  Please email or visit!  I will likely be home for another 3-4 weeks healing.

As Dave shared in his blog entry right after my surgery, I have been looking for a “name” that properly summarizes my 4^th relapse.  It came to me as I was leaving for the hospital at 5:30AM on the Tuesday of my surgery…THE FINAL FOUR!

• My 2^nd relapse was called – Second Time Around (implying that I am more mature and can handle it better than I did the first time J)
  
• My 3^rd relapse was called “3 Times the Charm” or “3 Strikes Your Out” depending on whether you look at the glass as half-full or half-empty

I have been working hard this time around at really saying “good bye” to my cancer and willing it away for good.  Although I don’t subscribe to this way of thinking, some people believe that a person brings on their own condition.  In other words, certain actions that one has taken in life might have brought on a physical condition such as cancer. 

This seems somewhat self-destructive to me. I like to say that I am not responsible for having cancer but I am absolutely responsible for how I deal with the cancer.  

However, if you do subscribe to the “I bring on my own condition” theory, you also believe that you can’t truly be “done” with something unless you are completely ready to let go of it.  This is something I do understand.

It is often very hard for people to understand this but sometimes it is hard to say goodbye to cancer.  I myself find that after 4+ years battling the disease, I have become very comfortable with “the fight”.  When you spend so much time focused on something, it is often hard to just let go and move on.

That’s way there is a certain amount of fear that comes with having my 4^th surgery. Let’s hope it is successful but after that, then what happens?  Am I ready to say goodbye?

As I was getting ready for surgery I kept on thinking of a scene from my favorite movie, Shawshank Redemption.   If you remember, Morgan Freeman’s character (Red) is in jail for a life sentence, however, every 10 years he appears before the parole board and is given a potential chance to get out of jail early.  When the time comes, he repeats the same drill.

Red religiously vows his rehabilitation has been accomplished – and swears – “that’s the God’s honest truth”:

Reviewer: You feel you’ve been rehabilitated?

Red: Oh, yes sir. Absolutely, sir. Yeah, I’ve learned my lesson. I can honestly say that I’m a changed man. I’m no longer a danger to society. That’s the God’s honest truth. 

The Result: A mechanical stamp marks “REJECTED” in red ink on his parole records.

The same situation continues every 10 years until Red attends another parole hearing after serving forty years of his life sentence. Times have changed now that it is 1967 – there are four men and one woman on the board. Wiser and more open about his rehabilitation he answers them straightforwardly with regret for a crime he committed in a past era. He admits and accepts his atoning guilt, confesses his own unworthiness – and is ultimately saved from Shawshank:

Red: “Rehabilitated? Well now, let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means…I know what you think it means. To me, it’s just a made-up word; a politician’s word so that young fellas like you can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did. There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. And not because I’m in here or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then. A young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him. Tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone. This old man is all that’s left. I gotta live with that. ‘Rehabilitated?’ That’s just a bulls–t word. So you go on and stamp your forms, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a s–t.

The Result: Red is approved for parole when an automatic stamp marks his papers APPROVED in red ink.

What made Red ultimately get out of jail?  Was he more mature and more honest in his response?  Had he worked through all of his issues so that now he was ready for a 2^nd chance? Or had he given up all hope, which made him, for the first time, fearless from rejection?

I thought about this a lot as I headed to my 4^th surgery (roughly equivalent to the 40 year mark in Red’s life sentence).  What do I need to do to get “approved” this time…to move on and never look back?  

I vowed as Dave and I headed to the hospital on Tuesday AM that I would live my life as if I were no longer in jail.  And this surgery was the first step towards my ultimate redemption.